Scared To Live

Clarification

2008-12-27T11:32:00.000-08:00

My previous post on MPD/DID was a copy of an article I wrote for support group website I frequent. In this post, it is my wish to clarify some misconceptions about the disorder.

1. MPD/DID is not rare. Although it is much debated, even in the psychiatric world itself, MPD/DID is actually common - though in vastly varying degrees. In some circles it is believed that everyone has dissociative episodes at one time or another during their lifetime. Taking a walk from point A with no recollection of how you reached point B is an example of this belief. You are able to recall leaving your original location, perhaps even part of the walk. But try as you might, you cannot recall a good portion of the journey. This is the most common type of dissociative episode. Dissociation in its mildest form. Now that you can recall the brief moment of confusion, imagine this "lost time" in a larger degree. Imagine instead of a few moments lost that it is actually hours or days. Entire conversations, meetings hidden from your conscious memory. Not a pleasing thought. It is estimated that 6-8% of the population sufferes from diagnosed and undiagnosed MPD/DID.
2. Not all MPD/DID sufferers have different names for or high numbers of alter personalities. Instances such as seen in the media: Three Faces of Eve, When Rabbit Howls, and Sybil are EXTREME cases which cause most to disbelieve those who are nowhere near as severely afflicted with the disorder.
3. Multiples are Not dangerous or insane. Again, the media provides Joe Public with fears and misconceptions which are unfounded. Regardless of the popularity for media to show Multiples as vicious, vindictive murderers, there have been very few documented cases where MPD was ruled as a factor in murder. Of those documented, most have other underlying psychological disorders. It is much more likely one would be injured by Munchhausen by proxy, schizophrenics, manics, etc. MPD sufferers are far more likely to injure themselves than others as a result of a high rate of depression and suicidal tendancies in the patients. This is not to say that Multiples are never dangerous. A multiple can have "alters" who have anger management problems as can be said for any apparently mentally healthy individual.
4. Though it is frequently misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, MPD is quite different. MPD is not physiological and is never genetic. Schizophrenia is an organic brain disease, while MPD is more similar to a severe case of post traumatic stress disorder. In other words, schizophrenia is a result of factors within the body, MPD is caused by outside influences, almost always involving repeated sexual and physical abuse.
5. You may think you would recognize someone is a multiple personality without difficulty. The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of multiples lead normal, productive lives. They are able to conceal their illness either because it is not severe or life has impressed upon them the neccessity of appearing "normal". Most may let it be known they suffer from depression and/or anxiety, but will conceal the "less believeable" aspects of their illness.

It is my hope that any or all of this entry is found to be helpful and informative. My advice to my readers is never close your mind to anything. No matter how firmly you may or may not disbelieve in something does not make it false. An open mind is a learning and growing mind. A closed mind leads to stagnation and deterioration.

In a later post, I will go into some tips I have learned on living/dealing with those with mental illness. Please feel free to send me questions or comments regarding my posts.

MPD/DID Theories: The Great Debate

2008-12-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

There are many schools of thought regarding Multiple Personality Disorder/Dissociative Identity Disorder in psychology and psychiatry today. It is no wonder there is such confusion surrounding the disorder considering the massive variance of beliefs regarding it the psych fields today. In this article, I will address some of the contradictions and disbeliefs directed at the mental health phenomenon. *Please note: I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist. I am a long time sufferer of MPD and base this article on my opinions gleaned from my research and personal experiences.*

What are some of the theories regarding MPD/DID?

*Multiplicity is a sham and does not exist at all.

*Multiplicity is not a natural phenomenon. It is artificially induced by therapists (Iatrogenesis).

*MPD/DID is a form of self-hypnosis extremely clever minds develop in order to escape severe pain or trauma. Some believe that if the victim is subjected to enough and frequent abuse or trauma, this self-hypnosis can become automatic. Many followers of this doctrine do not believe alters are separate entities, but rather are just the emotion that is not subdued with the hypnotic trance.

*Multiples are not actual personalities, but rather possession by demons or spirits.

*Past life personalities merge to create who we each are as individuals. Some believe that in multiples these personalities try to re-establish themselves as individuals.

MPD/DID is a sham:

I find fault in this belief for various reasons. The disorder is becoming more well known and is not as rare as once believed. Though polyfragmented personalities (those with 100 or more personalities) are rare, those with 3-7 personalities are not. How could so many put on such an Oscar meriting performance? A viable question that goes along with this is why would they? For attention or to obtain benefits they don't deserve? Wouldn't these “fakes” make a lot more money and receive much more attention if they used this cleverness to deceive in acting careers? What purpose could they possibly have to try to fool the world with something few even believe in? Why not choose a more “believable” disorder?

It would also be an amazing feat to fool family and friends with such a sham throughout an entire lifetime. Again I ask, why would anyone go to that much trouble for attention?

A case of Iatrogenesis:

The theory that MPD/DID is clinically induced by well meaning or even crooked therapists does not make any sense in my personal opinion. I am not saying that there aren't any cases of this in the world, but this theory would only explain a portion of the cases away. What of those of us that knew we were multiples before we ever went into therapy? I believe many of us do know this deep down. Not all multiples/dissociatives seek help merely for depression or anxiety. Many, if not most, actually seek help because of the disruption caused by “lost time”, behavioral changes when switching, among other MPD/DID specific reasons. This theory cannot explain these cases away.

MPD/DID is a form of self-hypnosis:

Clever mind does not even begin to describe what would be needed to achieve making this theory a reality in many cases, if not most. Though it is possible this is the answer for some patients, it can't possibly explain them all. How ingenious would a child of two or younger have to be to do this? A small child not even able to form a complete sentence, yet they have the ability to hypnotized themselves into not remembering pain and trauma?

The only aspect of this theory I cannot totally debunk is “alters are separate entities, but rather are just the emotion that is not subdued with the hypnotic trance.” Some might ask the question of if MPD/DID is pure self-hypnosis, how do you explain the differences in appearances, likes and dislikes, etc.? Whether accurate or not, this can be explained away as the physical embodiment of whichever emotion is not subdued at the time. Still, this theory cannot explain the phenomenon of how some alters can have clinically proven ailments that the others, including the “core” personality does not.

Demon or Spirit Possession vs. MPD/DID:

This theory, though far-fetched and unbelievable, is impossible to prove or disprove. No one, no matter how intelligent, can show any proof that this is or is not a possibility. There is just too much in this world, and beyond, we do not understand for this to be debunked 100%.

Manifestation of Past-life Personalities:

As with demon possession, this debate will remain controversial and conjecture possibly until the end of time.

Authors Conclusion

It is impossible to say which of these theories is correct or incorrect, other than that MPD/DID is a sham. Perhaps there are cases of all of the remaining theories being accurate, among others I may not have listed. Whichever theory or theories may be correct, the fact still remains that the disorder DOES exist and requires therapy and support. In closing I wish each of us to remember, regardless of which school of thought we follow on this subject, that it is very easy to discount and/or fear that which we do not understand. There are so many things in daily life that we cannot explain, yet we believe they exist. Why then, do some consider the possibility of a fractured mind housing more than one self so irrational and unbelievable

Life, Love, and the Unexpected

2008-12-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in my blog for quite a while. I have had many reasons for this. By far the worst reason was the death of my 23yr old son on August 18th of this year. He was a victim of a freak industrial accident at the plant where he worked. I, naturally, have been at a loss for anything possitive or beneficial to share since then. The death of a loved one, especially your child, can bring about many changes in a person. Some good, some not so good. As horrendous as such an event can be and is, it is also a learning experience. A person never truly knows how strong they are until faced with life's ultimate hurdles.
Another thing I have learned is, no matter how hard you try to plan your life, no matter how much attention you pay to detail, there are times life will simply throw you for an unimaginable loop. Such an occurance has happened to me approximately 2 weeks ago. I had been dreading December and my first Christmas without Christopher. Actually feeling more terrified than dread. In the past I have had suicidal tendancies and was very worried how I could cope with the possibility of spending Christmas alone (my husband is a truck driver and wasn't sure he would make it home). I had contemplated having myself voluntarily committed temporarily if needed. In the mean time, I decided to continue with my online support group and play it by ear.
The day everything changed was 12/06/08. My intention was to log onto my support group site, MDjunction.com. Somehow I accidentally clicked on myspace.com in my bookmarks. There I found a message from one of two people I had been looking for during the past 30 years. Today, that message led to my biggest dream since age 13 coming true. I spoke to my father for the first time this evening. No words can possibly describe my elation or my fear during this conversation.
My elation is, of course, self-explanatory. How could anyone not be elated when facing a dream come true. My fear is based in my deep seeded social anxiety disorder. The perpetual terror of anger, dislike, or disapproval aimed in my direction is my constant companion. One might wonder how I could fear my father's disapproval. The answer is simple. When you spend a lifetime with little but disapproval from your mother, grandmother, etc., it is difficult to believe you are capable of anything else.
What have the past few weeks taught me? Many things. First and foremost is that life is unpredictable. No matter how hard we try to plan and manipulate future events, it is an impossibility. We can either learn to go with the flow or spend our lives locked up deep within our fears, never daring to truly live, love or trust. For the first time in my life, I am choosing to run toward life instead of away from it. Cliche? Perhaps, but even a cliche is much better than living within a cell of my own making. Thank you Aunt V. and thank you Dad for giving me the greatest gift I could ever receive. Myself.

Fear's Eclipse: Walk a mile in a phobic's shoes

2008-04-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Fear's Eclipse

Ebony clouds of long ago
eclipse joy's light from the tortured soul
Drowning waves of heartache's tears
quash all faith, bringing rise to fear
The trembling heart for the unforeseen
forsakes the dreams the future brings
Mercy's grace of My Lord I implore
break Hell's bonds and let my spirit soar

Accoring to ABC News, Fox News, and Discovery Health Channel, phobias are far from an uncommon disorder. Somehow that knowledge doesn't make living with them any easier, at least not for me.

When I talk to others about my anxiety disorders and phobias, I get a strong feeling they don't always believe it can be as bad as I say. Maybe because most people can shrug off their fears or avoid whatever causes them distress. But it isn't always that simple.

Consider for a moment your greatest fear. Is it public speaking, spiders, flying, confined spaces? How does your trigger situation make you feel? Nauseated, dizzy, palms sweat, shortness of breath, weak in the knees, shaky, tongue tied, confused? Now imagine feeling that way almost every hour of every day. Then you might understand a bit of what myself and others like me go through.

What would it be like to be afraid to go anywhere alone, to make friends because they may end up rejecting or betraying you, terrified at the thought of your finances being even slightly out of budget (how to pay rent, how to buy food, utilities, etc.), fear that anything you say can and will incite someone to anger, fear of doing a good job because if you do people will start to expect even more from you, fear of doing a bad job because you will disappoint someone. And worst of all, being 42 and fearing that there is nothing left to hope for.

With me it is more than phobias though. My anxiety is so severe it even wakes me up. It would literally be easier for me to explain what I am NOT afraid of than it would all the things that terrify me. As it says in the above poem, the events of my past have raised my anxiety and fear to such great heights that it makes it virtually impossible for me to look forward to the future. What I call the What if Syndrome devastates my hopes and dreams before they can fully blossom.

I had hoped that if I grew to understand my phobias and fears and where they originated from that I would be able to overcome them. It hasn't worked for any of them so far. Now I fear I will be stuck inside my walls of terror for the rest of my life. That is not a pretty thought is it.

Confrontation of Past Wounds

2008-04-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

Confrontation of Past Wounds

Each time you raised your hand to me

I'd close my eyes so I couldn't see.

Inside my mind I would always hide,

Each time you revealed your darker side.

I was only a child, why couldn't you see,

You should never have done what you did to me.

You hurt my body as well as my soul.

Did it just happen, or was it your goal?

You crushed my spirit and tarnished my life,

each time you used me as your wife.

The life you manipulated became an emotional hell,

From the first time you told me I shouldn't tell.

You said if I told, they would say it's a lie

until all I could do was sit alone and cry.

But you were wrong, people do believe,

now you're the only one you can ever deceive.

With regret I can never tell you how I feel

so I can learn to forgive you and begin to heal.

When you were met by angels at Heaven's gate,

I wonder what was decided to be your fate.

Were they merciful in wiping your slate clean of wrongs?

Or were the depths of Hades determined where you belong?

Sadly, my stolen youth I mourn more than your passing,

for your agony is over, while mine is ever lasting.

In all my years of dealing with anxiety, depression and fear, I have tried many things to help my inner wounds heal. Therapy, reading self-help books, meditation, and others. The one method that seemed the most promising to me would also be the hardest for me to utilize. The method consists of confronting the one who harmed. Basically it consists of telling the person how you feel about what they did to you, why you believe it was wrong, and that you are no longer frightened of them. Supposedly in doing this you gain back some of the control they robbed you of by showing strength and courage. It all sounded good to me.

My problem was that everytime I thought I was ready to confront my step-father, face to face, I would fly into a major panic attack and become physically ill. I mentioned this to my therapist and she suggested writing him a letter might be a viable option for me. I couldn't. I had so much to say to him that it kept all coming out in a jumbled, incoherent mess. That is where my poetry came in. Poetry allowed me to organize my feelings a clear and concise manner. I was very pleased with the results. But, again, my fear got the better of me and I dragged my heels. By the time I dredged up enough courage to give him the poem, I found out that he died.

In his passing, he robbed me of my chance at closure. I can never get back what he took from me. I wonder if I will ever feel whole. What can I do? I fear that I will be damaged goods for the rest of my life. I have run out of ideas on how to heal. I don't want to give up but what other choice do I have?

It's Who I Am

2008-04-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

My name is Jenn. I'm 42 years old. Wife (14yrs this May). Mother of 3 boys ages 20, 24, 26. Grandmother of a beautiful little boy, age 3. Me in a nutshell, right? Not by a long shot.

How to explain who the real me is? That is a tough one. I'm not sure I really know the answer to that. Perhaps in writing this blog, I will be able to figure it out.

Let's begin with what I do know. I spend my life in fear. Is there an imminent threat to my well being? Logically, I would have to say no. Emotionally..... that is a different story. You see, I suffer from Social and generalized anxiety disorders. Which, for those of you who have never heard of the disorders, means I am pretty much afraid of everything and everyone. With my social anxiety disorder, I have a tremendous fear of people becoming angry or disappointed in me, or harming me physically or emotionally. The generalized anxiety is filled with so many phobias a psychiatrist could probably write a book about me:

1)I'm unable to go anywhere by myself due to the social aspects of my disorder, as well as an uncontrollable fear of getting lost (even going to places I have been to many times).

2)One of my most embarrassing fears is my fear of the dark. I mean, come on, a 42 year old woman afraid of the dark??I understand part of that fear comes from vision problems. I can't see even in dim lighting. So part of it is fear of falling, bumping into things, etc. But, like a child, I also fear what I cannot see. No, not monsters under my bed kind of thing. More like who else may be in the room. Past experiences have, I'm sure, played a large role in this phobia. But the knowledge does not make it any less of a discomfiture on my life.

3)Fear of failing is one I am sure most, if not all of society suffers. Most don't suffer from it to the point of being a prisoner of that fear. It being so intense that being a nothing is easier to endure than taking a chance and failing.

I could go on and on with my list and make this a mile long post. But I will save some for later. This blog will be a sort of diary of my past and present. You're probably wondering if it will be some kind of whine fest. I hope not. I am hoping that, by openning my eyes to my problems, I may experience some form of healing. In the process, I pray even more that what I am going through may help others who are experiencing similar feelings.