It's Who I Am

My name is Jenn. I'm 42 years old. Wife (14yrs this May). Mother of 3 boys ages 20, 24, 26. Grandmother of a beautiful little boy, age 3. Me in a nutshell, right? Not by a long shot.

How to explain who the real me is? That is a tough one. I'm not sure I really know the answer to that. Perhaps in writing this blog, I will be able to figure it out.

Let's begin with what I do know. I spend my life in fear. Is there an imminent threat to my well being? Logically, I would have to say no. Emotionally..... that is a different story. You see, I suffer from Social and generalized anxiety disorders. Which, for those of you who have never heard of the disorders, means I am pretty much afraid of everything and everyone. With my social anxiety disorder, I have a tremendous fear of people becoming angry or disappointed in me, or harming me physically or emotionally. The generalized anxiety is filled with so many phobias a psychiatrist could probably write a book about me:

1)I'm unable to go anywhere by myself due to the social aspects of my disorder, as well as an uncontrollable fear of getting lost (even going to places I have been to many times).

2)One of my most embarrassing fears is my fear of the dark. I mean, come on, a 42 year old woman afraid of the dark??I understand part of that fear comes from vision problems. I can't see even in dim lighting. So part of it is fear of falling, bumping into things, etc. But, like a child, I also fear what I cannot see. No, not monsters under my bed kind of thing. More like who else may be in the room. Past experiences have, I'm sure, played a large role in this phobia. But the knowledge does not make it any less of a discomfiture on my life.

3)Fear of failing is one I am sure most, if not all of society suffers. Most don't suffer from it to the point of being a prisoner of that fear. It being so intense that being a nothing is easier to endure than taking a chance and failing.

I could go on and on with my list and make this a mile long post. But I will save some for later. This blog will be a sort of diary of my past and present. You're probably wondering if it will be some kind of whine fest. I hope not. I am hoping that, by openning my eyes to my problems, I may experience some form of healing. In the process, I pray even more that what I am going through may help others who are experiencing similar feelings.