Fear's Eclipse
Ebony clouds of long ago
eclipse joy's light from the tortured soul
Drowning waves of heartache's tears
quash all faith, bringing rise to fear
The trembling heart for the unforeseen
forsakes the dreams the future brings
Mercy's grace of My Lord I implore
break Hell's bonds and let my spirit soar
Accoring to ABC News, Fox News, and Discovery Health Channel, phobias are far from an uncommon disorder. Somehow that knowledge doesn't make living with them any easier, at least not for me.
When I talk to others about my anxiety disorders and phobias, I get a strong feeling they don't always believe it can be as bad as I say. Maybe because most people can shrug off their fears or avoid whatever causes them distress. But it isn't always that simple.
Consider for a moment your greatest fear. Is it public speaking, spiders, flying, confined spaces? How does your trigger situation make you feel? Nauseated, dizzy, palms sweat, shortness of breath, weak in the knees, shaky, tongue tied, confused? Now imagine feeling that way almost every hour of every day. Then you might understand a bit of what myself and others like me go through.
What would it be like to be afraid to go anywhere alone, to make friends because they may end up rejecting or betraying you, terrified at the thought of your finances being even slightly out of budget (how to pay rent, how to buy food, utilities, etc.), fear that anything you say can and will incite someone to anger, fear of doing a good job because if you do people will start to expect even more from you, fear of doing a bad job because you will disappoint someone. And worst of all, being 42 and fearing that there is nothing left to hope for.
With me it is more than phobias though. My anxiety is so severe it even wakes me up. It would literally be easier for me to explain what I am NOT afraid of than it would all the things that terrify me. As it says in the above poem, the events of my past have raised my anxiety and fear to such great heights that it makes it virtually impossible for me to look forward to the future. What I call the What if Syndrome devastates my hopes and dreams before they can fully blossom.
I had hoped that if I grew to understand my phobias and fears and where they originated from that I would be able to overcome them. It hasn't worked for any of them so far. Now I fear I will be stuck inside my walls of terror for the rest of my life. That is not a pretty thought is it.
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